you got me...
At least, it's easy to interpret it that way.
The current lesson in life I am learning is "Forgive them, and love them, because it's not even their own fault".
I do too much retaliation in the face of people bent on detracting, stifling, or devaluing the authority I have provided myself by becoming well versed and deeply learned in all things that I pursued becoming knowledgeable about.
There are plenty of things I don't know about. But there are quite a few [very touchy and usually misinterpreted by the masses] topics in which I am versed very well. This blog shows a lot of the things that have been passed to me, that I now pass to you.
It is utterly infuriating to me when people dismiss my words on those topics, or refute them with some nonsense, or worse, some set of beliefs that they have been force-fed all of their lives without proper understanding, context, or translation, whatever the case and any combination of the formers. Especially whenever I am able to use their own source to prove my point. Makes me want to drop the Moon on the Earth.
I have become conditioned in such a way that when people without true authority speak out against my words, or people shut me down before they even hear what I am saying, or have read what I am writing - or whatever the case may be - I become infuriated and conflict has become very common for me lately.
I often feel like I am one of very few remaining survivors after a zombie apocalypse.
I have no alternative way to look at it. I mean, I do, but they are complete and whole other posts not yet written.
Any moron out there can deny it, but it is really really fucking bad out there. People are fucking stupid. Seriously.
My great-grandfather was awarded for his integral work in creating the atom bomb, I have the plaque, stamped with the Manhattan Project and Truman's signature. He is also a major responsible party for all forms of modern refrigeration and air conditioning. He did this work under Dupont, and if you don't know, that means he got a bonus and that was that. Those were the days where someone was discovering a new element every few weeks. He is responsible for stop valves or some other kind of valve, I don't know, I'll list it all some time if anyone expresses interest. An infinitely variable transmission as well as a lot of work that is still used in cars today. He made and invented all kinds of crazy shit that would have made us so much richer if he didn't work at Dupont, but he liked his work, and that is what really matters.
His son, my grandfather, was responsible for many things as well. Teflon (many novel uses subsequently as well), the unique coating on Jeff Gordon's windshield (the dupont race car driver in Nascar or whatever), refining the process for making artificial diamonds, and a slew of other things. That was all done at Dupont as well. He worked on many other things as well. Many inventions like great gramps.
These men, their stories, their achievements. I was never sure about my great-grandfather - "Do you think gramps really made the nuke?" - until my Aunt passed away and we found the records. Apparently, he was also co-founder of Yuengling Brewery, until he sold his half and it has remained ran by the same family ever since. His beer delivery truck was awesome, even in black-and-white photos.
My great grandfather sat very quietly throughout my childhood. But my grandfather, great gramps' son, was quiet around family, but a bit angry, as he was always having to hear people say shit that was retarded when he knew better. Now don't get the wrong idea - he was loving and kind hearted, especially in sharing knowledge, and he had a freaky Jesus way with animals, and was a very loving, very family and community oriented person.
I never really understood why he looked at people the way he did, and why he loved me so much. My grandmother would tell me time and again "Pop-pop Loves you all, but he loves when you come over and talk to him because you are so bright and he goes on about your conversations" and things like that, and I am now beginning to understand his angry face, and sometimes angry tones, but also how he was so good with people and animals.
Before now, I couldn't make sense of it. But now, I understand. He felt like he was in the Zombie Apocalypse. He may have felt that way, but he did not let it get to him in the ways that I have become known to.
I personally watched my grandfather come out of his back door and sit down on the steps and 3 squirrels came down from a tree and one went into his shirt pocket.
Okay, big deal, right? So some people are good with squirrels.
But what really fucked me up for a long time was an occasion that he put his hand out and a butterfly landed on it. When we asked how he does that, he said he really doesn't know, shook it off his hand, put his hand back out, and it landed there again. This kind of shit was a usual occurrence with my grandfather. Although I got the impression that he knew how to do it from how he said it, I did not push it, I just wanted to try it myself.
When I began talking with him about many of the things you find in the posts of this blog, and indeed emulated in the world and lore of GTAV, it was near the end of his life, yet I experienced excitement within him like I hadn't really ever seen before. The last couple of years of my grandfather's life were probably the shittiest of them all, but man, he lit up for me every time I saw him. He's only been gone a couple of years now, but his blue eyes beaming to see me are still fresh.
Anyhow, I have tried to be like this with animals and bugs for years. I just don't get it. And he had bug zappers and would swat the shit out of a fly, but animals still loved him.
I'm beginning to see now that it may have had something to do with his ability to accept that no one is perfect, and not everyone is capable of understanding things as he did. I see in my great grandfather a man who had it mastered, very quiet, just quiet, and relaxed. And through the contrast of that, I can see that I was watching his son, my grandfather, master it in the same way. Through both examples before me, and though unable to see it until now, I understand why the squirrels I feed don't get too close.
And I just want anyone who understands to know that I am working on it.
Blessed are those who read and understand my writings, and blessed are those who use empathy and understanding as they do so. Blessed are those who already know, who are beaming at me, and happy for my achievements here, rooting for the root.
And blessed even are those who bring me away from my mind, as they have consistently provided me with a good view of it from the outside.
It is not enough to speak, one must also example their word. And it is not enough to example it, one must also embrace their role as a pupil alongside others as well. I must battle a monster within me, tame it, and ride it with control. Then, and only then, will I be prepared for the next form of my work.
Oh, and as for my own achievements, you're kind of watching them form, and from this work will come 10 more major works, and from those will come 10,000 works by others, and then from those will be born a New World.